Giving Up

I dont wanna live anymore. (Ha!! Like I’m living in the first place. Merely breathing aint living rite?). I feel everything around me is staring at me. My pain has become too much to hide. Its seen in the way I walk, the way I talk, I look, I smile, even the way I dress up. Just to see some people happy, I’m faking out an existence. I’m screaming but I feel no one’s listening, I’m bleeding but no one’s noticing, I’m hurting but no one’s seeing.. So even if I end my life, no one will ever know!!!

Just wanna stop living….

Stranger

With teary eyes, he came upto me n said “This is the worst thing that could have ever happened to me!!”. Looking back at him helplessly, I reached for his hands, trying to make him feel better. As he placed his head on my shoulders, I saw the child like innocence in his face. I wanted to say so many things, but just couldn’t. Like his, my voice too was getting choked up with an array of emotions. Was it necessary to talk, when our silence did the needful? I dint want to break that silence, simply because I’d have ended up saying something stupid like I LOVE U. I was scared to say that.

His girl was his best friend, n I was jealous of her. I expected to be the only woman in his life. I laughed at myself when I realised that, coz I thought I was way above all this. But no. He was dying from within n so was I. But I wanted my man, my rock, to smile again. I decided to give a call to the most important gal in the life of the most important man of my life, n set things rite. Well….

The very next day, the two of them came to meet me. While I was wondering what now, he just came from behind, hugged me tight n said “U R THE BEST MOMMY EVER!!”

TTSP. Really?

Time is the best healer my friend said, in the hope of pulling me out of this trench. HEAL? Tried to find its meaning in the dictionary & the dictionary said HEAL is “CURE”, “MEND’, “REPAIR”, “NURSE TO HEALTH”, etc… These strings of words appear all the more depressing to me. While I’m nobody to assess the intensity of grief (which could be the consequence, a by-product of betrayal, loss of a loved one, that feeling of helplessness when a beloved is going through immense bodily pain or whatever,) that a person goes through, there always comes a period where the mind goes completely numb before the deluge of awry feelings start taking over by way of slap after slap. These hit n miss thoughts may not necessarily have any meaning attached to them, but nonetheless, they have this paramount power in them to jolt a person down. So I’d definitely give some amount of credibility to such seemingly incredulous views.

What happens next? I mean, does the person really mean it when he/she says “That’s my past”, “I’ve moved on”??? No I don’t think so. Somewhere the pain remains. Unsullied. That’s because of the super power that God has cursed us with “Memories”. Till such time as there’s Reminiscence, there’s pain. Same amount (not an ounce less, probably more) and still spanking new. One splitsecond memory can bring back countless emotions & then there’s no escape.

A very subjective topic by itself, I see many blogs, poems, songs strewn across allover (So I dont want to post one more). The worst part is, however, the moronic justifications that are given when questions are asked. Counterfeit consoles from here-now-gone-tomorrow “FRIENDS”, a hideous masquerade of apathy & BAMM… Believe I’m not liking this… But yes, I’d like this pain to be within me forever n ever.

It was so easy till sometime back, now, it seems just next to impossible. Everytime I think about it, I just go numb. Its like I wanna shake my hands with u, but I find my fists super/tightly clenched. What if u r left alone in the room n u turn over to see what’s there in me?

Foreclosure of Anuva’s Sky

Learning to play Anuva’s Sky = Ecstacy!!!

Forgetting the chords of Foreclosure of a Dream = Madman hopping around wanting to kill someone

Both the above emotions put together at the same time = How a man would react when he’s down with PMS + MENOPAUSE (both at the same time)

In Pursuit of Happyness

Saw this movie when I was in Bangalore a couple of months ago. A simple n touching movie. Not gonna give my reviews coz I believe that somethings in life are so magnificently beautiful that if we sit down n analyse them, the charm goes off. Just experience them n watch ur mind do all the talking while u listen to it. Exactly what I did after coming outta the theatre.

Linda Goodman comes calling

Some draw conclusions abt others after meeting them, it cud be the first time or whatever, some others give much importance to looks, some with their very own pre-conceived notions, some dont bother at all. The cult that I was introduced to yesterday was the one which decides who’ll be what on the basis of Zodiac signs. Strange.

There’s this IT guy who had come down to meet some folks from my dept to discus some system related issues. When all of us got talking, he suddenly started yapping abt the importance of Zodiac signs n how the planetary movements affects one n all, much to my agony. I abhor such topics n just when I was about to excuse myself he asked me my sign n when he got the answer, his jaws dropped. He then turned to my boss n said “U need to be careful with Pisceans. They have this mysterious aura around them and strong intuitive powers.”   LOLz…

Wanted to share this with one of my close pals, who I was talking to last nite, but it just slipped outta my memory. The 2 of us would have had a hearty laugh.

I live in Spain during monsoons

I’m thinking abt the lousy, shoddy work of BMC in my area. I dunno how many read my blog (I dont care even if no one reads it coz I know I’m here just to empty my mind to abt 0.002%, while the rest goes in to my diary), but if anyone does, after reading this,  I’m sure they’ll be dying to visit my area during monsoons. Coz RAINS+MY AREA (not naming it for some very obvious reasons) = BYLANES OF VENICE!!! OH, soooooo romantic!!! Except that the water that gets stocked here is pee water. Yes, u read it rite. There’s a gutter that starts overflowing even if 5 sparrows get together n piss in it! N unlike in Venice, the boats n rafts that u get here smell like horse shit. But what the heck..

The walk back from work on Saturday!!!!!!! Aahh PRICELESS… Chest deep inside the PEE water, desparetly trying to maintain a balance while wading thru it, thinking abt HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA REACH HOME n all.

Now, as I’m writing this, I get a feeling that the drain pipes here sure resemble my mind. Clogged to the extent that, once a chatterbox has now become a total, vulnerable recluse.